I'm late....

Alright get that thought out of your mind. Flo does not miss an appearance! What I DID mean was this, I am late everywhere we go. I wasn't always like this. I use to be prompt and even early. That was until the rugrats came around. Something always seems to happen. No not a day before we leave or hell even a f*&king hour before we leave...it is when we are literally walking out the door.

Normal school day in our house.

6:00am-wake up for the boys
6:15am-go BACK up stairs to make sure they have made it out of bed
6:30am-dump cold water on their lazy asses so they have NO choice to get out of bed
6:35am-look at them in complete disbelief that what they are wearing they CHOSE to wear on PURPOSE!
6:45am-breakfast
7:00am-argue about why they cannot skip brushing their teeth that morning
7:02am-argue about how they did not brush their teeth very well if they are down stairs
7:03am-threaten to brush their teeth for them and brag about it to all their friends
7:10am-go through getting Tava dressed
7:20am-suppose to be getting in the truck
7:22am-one kid announces they have lost a shoe/backpack/jacket/do a homework project they just so happened to remember they needed to turn in that morning and failed to mention on little peep about it the night before while binge watching WWE Divas on Netflix...oh sorry got a little carried away there
7:30am-we are finally pulling out of the driveway
7:32am-some kids starts crying that they forgot something so irrelevant that I can't even understand why they needed it to begin with
7:40am-we finish arguing about why they did not need it and how it was not my fault they forgot it
7:45am-the time I am suppose to be pushing the children out of the car at school...oh I mean dropping them off...I would NEEEEEEVER push them out of the car....*shit someone just called CPS huh?*
8:00am-the glorious moment when the children slam my truck door at school drop off!

  

  WOO HOOO!!! OH YEAH OH YEAH!

So to anyone that does not have kids, if your friends have kids PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD understand why they are not on time. It is not their fault. If you are going to be mad at anyone be mad at the shit heads that do not remember where they put their damn shoes they took off two seconds before having to put them back on again. It is not their fault, they want to shake the kids just as hard as you do. Oh and if you ever judge a moms appearance or the stains on the "NEW" outfit she just bought, you are asking for a round house kick in the throat! Just like me, she does not understand or know Why She Is Sticky!

Why Am I Sticky

What Were They Even Thinking?!?!?

Moms are constantly working. If you work outside the home, you work with the kids and home when you get home. If you stay home well you never stop the work at home. When we get super busy with things and need a break we call on our reliable always dependable babysitter, the TV!! Yes my child watches TV. Grab your pitch forks and fire! I will be awaiting the mob!

Even though the great magician box called the TV is pure heaven sent, it can be a horrible horrible curse! The creators of some kids shows must not have kids. Actually, they must have horrible mommy issues and decided to take it out on all the moms by making f*cking horrible shows! I will list a few and you will see what I mean.

Thomas and Friends. I will give you it is an old one and it definitely a classic. My concern with this is, everyone is so dang monotone. When I hear the trains or anyone talk all I hear is "merpty merp merp merp". I would put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but that would make it seem like there was some sort of excitement from the show. COME ON PBS BRING SOME EXCITEMENT TO THIS SHOW! Or was this show created for the sole purpose of putting kids to sleep? Well you reversed that one there PBS, puts us parents asleep which is not safe with the little roaming the house.

It is like they are all suffering from depression

Peppe Pig. Now this bitch needs a good kick in the ass. I know some may not have seen this show, it is basically a little girl pig that has her two parents and her little brother. The plot to every episode is she whines, constantly. Never ever stops whining. It is all about her. So to sum it up, she is a selfish whining bitch. There now you will never need to watch an episode of this show! Unfortunately the only way to fix this show is by cancelling it so we will NEVER have to see it again.

Who wouldn't want to drop kick that pig?

Yo Gabba Gabba. Really Nickelodeon? Do you test your writers for drug use? You should. I will guarantee these writers were on some serious hallucinogens when creating this show. The creatures alone make absolutely NO sense! What are they? I think back to when I was a kid, this is what I thought the boogie man or the monster under my bed looked like! CREEEPY!!! How about the songs?? This person was on drugs and HATED his mother! I swear the convo went like this "lets create the most annoying f*cking song ever! Yeah that will teach those moms!" Shoot me in the head please!

What the F*CK is a foofa? I think I call my vagina that!

Teletubbies. See the creators of this show got it right by the simple fact that it is GONE! I won't say too much on it, well because you don't speak ill of the deceased. I will just say THANK GOD it is gone!!!

They were ruled by a baby right? Yup they hated their mom!

I definitely saved the worse for last. The mother of all mother hating shows!


CAILLOU! F*ck that little bastard bitch. Can you tell I really hate that show? Caillou is even a bigger bitch than Peppa! I think Caillou ate Peppa with his eggs so he's extra bitchy. This little kid is beyond annoying. I have yet to find ONE person that can actually stand Caillou. I am not exaggerating when I say he whines in every episode. The weird thing with this show, we absolutely LOVE his little sister Rosie. She is still a baby and doesn't whine half as much as Caillou. Rosie even wants to drop kick Caillou is his bald ass head!

This is his face in every damn episode!

There is the bright side to this

These are the shows that drive most moms (and sometimes dads) go crazy over. There are others shows of course that drives us crazy like SpongeBob. I don't have enough time to go into why SpongeBob makes moms want to die (the voice alone, don't get me started on the laugh)! If you can think of any other shows please comment them and see if others agree!

Why Am I Sticky?

OY VEY!

Ok this little turd of mine left me speechless again in public!! Let me set the scene for you....me, her, and about 15 strangers as we wait to my cars oil change to be done. She is being the amazing little angel dancing and singing for people. Everyone is in such "awe" of this glorious little gem of mine.

Then out of nowhere she halts and says oh so loudly "OH MOMMY! I HAVE TO POOP!" I try and shush her and gather her stuff so we can go to the restroom. Then she does something else! She lets out the worlds loudest fart that would bring a tear to her fathers eye. He was so proud (he was actually)! She then proceeds to tell me "oh never mind I don't have to poop anymore!" I literally just froze. I did not want to make any kind eye contact with ANYONE! Once eye contact is made it makes the whole situation real and it cannot be real!

I quietly congratulated my turd (pun intended) and sat down. I prayed they called us next. NOPE! We were the very last ones! I swear they knew what happened and wanted to torture me because of my daughters inability to hold her gas in like a normal woman does! Can I send her to a training camp to learn this? Please comment any camps you may know of! :)

Why Am I Sticky

Age is just a number right?

      Age. That is such a touchy subject for moms. We also want to seem “hip” and “cool”. Until we find out that hip and cool are not hip and cool to say. On Fleek? Turnt? A1? Dope? Sick? Fire?
*side note* where the hell do they come up with these words?!?!

     Then comes the reality that our bodies aren’t as young as we are thinking. Body aches, popping of joints, and even the dreaded wrinkles! SAY IT AIN’T SOOOOO! Oh sorry I’m back.

     It seems to never fail that the you notice a new grey hair or a new wrinkle, your children choose that time to make a HORRIBLE statement about how old they think you are.

     For example, my 11 year old yesterday asked me “Mom were you alive when Pearl Harbor happened?” Once I finished beating him while crying, I just stared at him for a second. I get that “WHAT?” blank stare where their mouth is slightly open like they don’t understand why I did not jump to the answer. I finally got out of my shock and responded with “Child. My sweet darling, and loving child, let me put time into perspective for you. Your Grandmothers Grandmother, which would make her your Great Great Grandmother, you know MY grandmothers mom, was having her sweet 16 birthday party that day! So NO child, I was NOT alive during Pearl Harbor!”

     When they were younger and made silly unrealistic jokes about my age, like “I bet you were alive with the Dinosaurs”. Like come on kid, that’s not even insulting because its not even possible!!! Sheesh kid come up with better insults..mmmkay?

      So until the next time my little rude offspring insult my age or waistline, I will love them just the same.

Why Am I Sticky

HO HO HO!

Christmas is coming. Where families gather. Love is expressed. Even in some places (NOT PHOENIX) there will be snow. We will dress warmer and stay in more. More people start attending churches and become religious until New Years Eve.The time where parents want to spoil their kids and kids ask for the unrealistic gifts that will bankrupt the family. As parents we set out with huge goals. “I want to get this and that and OH look how about this?” Then we end up with ginormous credit card bills come January. You know the ones you just finished paying off in November?

Children write out these elaborate lists of items they want. For example I bought something for my 11 year old that I just know he will be super excited for. When I told him he would be excited his response was “Well all I want for Christmas is a cell phone. If it is not a cellphone I do not want it”. Ummm excuse me little mister rude? If this was not my own child and I heard this in public I would be like “Umm mom you better not be getting that child anything for Christmas and teach that boy a lesson” or I would be thinking “WOW! Your parents haven’t taught you any respect and you are the worse!” But this came out of my own childs mouth! How do I judge myself? Oh very easily! I tried to handle this situation the best I could but I felt my blood boiling. There may have been threats of no presents at all and that I was so ashamed that he would even think saying that was ok.

I reflected that evening. As his parents we are to blame, partially. We spoil them with gifts and gifts for Christmas. In our mind it goes like this “We want them to have the best Christmas ever!” so we buy every little thing that we find that we believe they will like. When this happens you are filling them with ideas of how Christmas is about what presents you open. Yes, it is nice for them to get presents and we love seeing their faces when they get what they wanted. This isn’t putting anything but selfishness in them.

Well my husband and I decided not to go that route this year. We are wanting to make sure our children grow up being grateful and caring. So this year I have told the kids they are only getting 5 things each and we will pick out a family to donate Christmas presents to. They are super excited about picking out the family we get to donate to! Hoping this brings them more to the realization of what Christmas is really about.

Merry Christmas Readers!

Why Am I Sticky

Excuse me...what the F*&$ did you just say?

Baby talk...don't you just love it? Yeah sure when you are at home and they are saying "mama" or "dada", it is NOT adorably cute when they say things in public when they make it sound horribly WRONG!

For example Tava and I are in the store and our conversation goes like this:

Tava: "Mommy I have 2 titties!"
Me: "Uh what the hell did you just say?" (because it was so horrifying the first time you must have them say it again and act just as shocked)
Tava: "Titties mommy! I have 2!" (insert holding up 2 fingers)
Me: "Well technically not until puberty, but we don't say that word sweetheart" (or should I call you a Sailor McPotty Mouth with that kind of language!)
*She is looking at me weird*

We go down a different aisle at the store and there she goes again. Off with her sailor talk!

Tava: "TITTIES MOMMY TITTIES!!!"
Me: (in complete shock with how loud she said that in a SUN CITY STORE) *I look over and see a bag of cat food*  "OOOOOOOHHHHHH! You mean KITTIES with a K!!!"
Tava: "Ya mommy titties!"

We practiced the K sound for a long time after that. Not sure how much it helped (not one bit) but at least I now know what she is saying. Also learned I will never take her in public again!

Sincerely,                              

The Mortified Why Am I Sticky Mom!

Picture day....ain't it horrible..I mean GREAT?

YAY its picture day!!! That is what us moms say when its time to take pictures. We get excited because we are documenting our FAMILY! I swear every time the day for pictures come, moms forget how horrible they usually are! Especially with little children.

*Disclaimer* If your child never acts up and ALWAYS takes a fanfreakintabulous picture, you can go away now. You are not normal!


We did picture day on Saturday. Got us all dressed up so nice. Hey my 11 year old didn't fight me on washing his hair so I figured the day was set to be amazing. I thought too soon! Tava did NOT want to cooperate. She got super shy and wouldn't look at the camera. Go figure right?  In the past she was great! It was her brother that would get the goofy smile. He would force it so much he looked like a mix of Mr. Bean and being constipated.

We finally figured out how to get her to want to take a picture. We told her to open her jacket and show them her pretty dress. Well when she did this she looked like she was flashing her "goods" to the world! Did we stop it? Did we have her do anything else? NOPE! We embraced her inner hoochie and let it go! (damn now that song is stuck in my head) That's right people, when your child doesn't do what you want them to do, have them behave like a flasher. Now I can tell my husband that if she ever does become a nude model that this was when it all started! When we go on Dr. Phil and Tava, I mean Cinnamon (because we all know she will have to change her name), will tell him about the one time her parents embraced her to "flash" the photographer. Yup, we will be THOSE parents! What's next? Our sons will become politicians!?!?! *GASP!*

We got some our pictures back and man does the photographer know how to hide all the bad ones and that is why we love them! Enjoy some of the "outtakes" from our family and others who kindly lent them to me.

See the Mr Bean and Constipated smile aka Ashton

HEY! Knock off the horse play! Hubby, Logan, & Ashton

Miss Tava (Or Cinnamon) can you please give me a normal smile?

Yup! Addy didn't seem to "feel" this pose with Logan

See mister P.M. was just having fun and miss K.M. seemed a tad annoyed!

That moment when mister R.M. had an explosive diaper during photo time...Ummm didn't he get the memo it was picture day?

I love how dad and big sis are trying to be oblivious to meltdown mister Carter is having...ya buddy I feel ya!

MOM! How dare you make me dress like an angel...don't you know I'm a devil?

Jude wants to know how its not fair to feed the dogs human food?

How dare you ask Hunter to smile...someone vandalized his rock!

Jude says NO I want a selfie how can I do that with a stupid cat behind me? RUDE!

Even after all the fails of pictures, some we take just for amusement, we end up with an amazing end product! The ones we can send off to family and friends and make it look "perfect" and "easy".

The Paloy Family 2015
*photo cred Beau Frusetta*